You know those insatiable people who can never just be happy with what they have? They're always wanting more and finding a way to get it, no matter the cost... I think I'm one of those people.
I'm not really sure when I became this way or when I realized it but it's been going on for a while and it's only getting worse.
Maybe it's an innate thing being as how I can remember even in grade school, I was always insistent on the being the best. From my stone-washed overalls to my pepperoni pizza lunchables to my accelerated reading level. I forced my parents to tote me around between soccer practice, unicycle club, choir rehearsal and the mall. By middle school when I wanted something, instead of asking my parents, I found a way to afford it myself. At 14 years old I decided I wanted to go to Paris, ordered lollipops off the internet, marked them up, forced classmates to buy them at lunch and bought myself a trip to Europe.
Now as a young adult I find myself living the same independent and hectic lifestyle; working my 9-5 during the week, styling on the weekends, freelance writing, trying to manage a social life, and... dating. I feel like I always want everything and there's never enough time for anything. Whoever decided there should only be 24 hours in a day was seriously delusional.
If I said that I was never satisfied, I'd be lying because I love my life and what I'm making of it. But I'm always looking for ways to better myself, whether it's through new opportunities, expanding my work, becoming more efficient at my job, making new connections, building relationships, finally conquering a pinterest recipe or growing as a person.
But it's frightening knowing that I'll always want and be waiting for the next best thing especially as it applies to my personal life. And it's unnerving to think that in this enormous city, I still haven't come close to finding a man that fits my criteria and who feels the same way about me. Because let's be honest, those are very different things.
I've been hearing a lot lately about how girls need to raise their standards. How we should stop expecting guys to fuck up, acting like it's acceptable for them to be assholes and making excuses for them when they don't put in the effort. And for the most part, I can agree with all of this. But it's easier to preach than it is to practice. Because when that "Miss you" text message comes through at 2 am, it's easier to rationalize how he's been busy with work than admit he's just using you. And it's easy to tell yourself that you're just having fun and you know he's not the one and blah, blah, fucking blah.
The truth is, just like men can distinguish that "girl you can bring home," us ladies can tell "he's the kinda guy you'd wanna marry".
How fucking scary.
Maybe it's just been a while since I've been in love. I know how you weirdos in love get... Like a horse with blinders on.
I'm not going to describe my dream man. That's for me and my spank bank. I will however propose this... I'm going to go on at least one date a week for the next two months and write about every single one. In vivid detail.
I might get closer to finding that dream guy. Or I might just give you guys something really funny to read (Did I mention I tend to get really drunk on dates?)
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN MY FAVOR.